When the zombie horde comes for you, will you be ready?

Are you prepared with months of food and water on hand, weapons at the ready, a large stash of wood in the garage to reinforce your doors and windows? Do you know even the basic zombie survival skills?!

If you are like most people, the answer to each of the above questions was no. There are a select few…special people who can count themselves truly prepared. What do the rest of us do? Movies would have us believe that we will happen to have a friend who has the means to keep us safe, or that we’ll lock ourselves in a mall and hope to hell the undead can’t work the automatic doors. This is entirely unrealistic.

You have two options left: Run or negotiate. Now I know what you’re saying, negotiate with zombies? They’re worse than terrorists! In some ways they are, but they are not here for politics or prisoner release or to strap bombs to their chests while yelling incoherently. No. The common household zombie is a simple creature with one goal: Brains. They are just hungry! When entering zombie negotiations, the first thing to remember is to avoid using large words, as they will confuse the creature while giving away the extent of your own intelligence - two things that will lead to your untimely end as a quick meal. Rule #1: DO NOT tell the zombies where the brains are!

Certain brands of tofu can be prepared in a jiffy to resemble brain matter in consistency and nutrients. Keeping brain substitutes on hand is a sure way to survive those first few moments of the delicate proceedings. Start with a simple phrase, like “eat this, not me”. Try not to get too fancy - wonton wrapper brain substitute seems to do more harm than good. If you find yourself fresh out of tofu, your best bet is to give the zombie something chewy and see how they react. The sole of any running shoe should do the trick. While he or she is busy chewing, you can start the talks, I suggest “chew good, me gross”, and if it looks like it isn’t going well, you should skip to plan B. Rule #2: Be ready to feed your guests something other than you.

What is plan B, you ask? The back door. Always plan ahead and assume the negotiations will fail. Have a well protected path to safety (or relative safety). Be warned, there is no plan C, once you leave, you are on your own. Eat or be eaten. Rule #3: Always have an escape route.

That’s about all there is to it. At worst, negotiations can buy you the necessary time to get prepared for the long siege ahead. At best, and only if you have a LOT of tofu, you could earn yourself some zombie protectors, who will jealously guard their secret source of what they believe to be brains.

Good luck!

Education has taken many forms over the past decade.  We have classic teaching environments, progressive scholasticism, and even regressive approaches to getting knowledge in our remarkably thick skulls.  However, I’m here to explain how it’s all wrong.  The only method of teaching that’s had proven results is Scholarly Anarchism.  I’ll show you why it’s superior to all other methods in a few short points following this paragraph.

First, we can look at facilities.  Facilities in traditional teaching require you go to a school hall and learn from a myriad sources until you finally think you know it, quickly followed by a teacher coming by, making you feel like an idiot, and then you begin to learn how you know nothing.  In Scholarly Anarchy you go to a metaphysical plane of knowledge where you already know the answers.  Then you send a version of you back in your place with crib notes to help you cheat on the test.  There’s no “studying” or “quiet time” or “tests”, just knowledge.  You cut out all the middle man.  Thus it’s clear that thousands of dollars could be saved by not needing facilities or faculty if we just switched over to Scholary Anarchy immediately.

 Next, we can look at faculty.  As mentioned already, you don’t really need faculty.  There’s no purpose for them anymore, and this makes things much simpler.  “How do you learn if there’s no one to teach?” you might stupidly ask.  The answer is simple, you are the faculty.  That is to say, everyone is on the university payroll.  The worst part about a professor is the stuff he does that doesn’t quite mesh well with your learning style.  However, this is gone when you are the professor!  It’s common sense, really, and it would save us all a lot of hassle.  Plus we’d all get paid for our services, and that’s ideal.

 Last, we look at the material education that we gain.  “Sure,” you say like a fool, “you save money and time and space and energy other precious resources, but does it really work?”  To you I laugh for an uncomfortable period of time and then let you know it does with a resounding and condescending yes!  Recently a study was done at education centres around the world at various levels from kindergarten to grad school to online education centres.  The traditional learners were stabbed to death within months by the Scholarly Anarchists, and their bodies used to build a church to the goat-mother.  They emerged from their screaming cathedral with the infinite celestial knowledge of all.  The traditional learners, of course, learned nothing and scored very low on their final exams.  This has been proven time and time again in studies and is essentially irrefutable fact: Scholarly Anarchism is much better than traditional education in terms of learning.

If you look at this in totality, there’s really no reason you would continue any method of learning that doesn’t follow the guidelines set out by the Scholarly Anarchism Board of Direction.  It surpasses other methods in facilities, faculty, and knowledge, and really isn’t that we want to have the best of?  This, your honour, is why I’m not guilty.

I think that we could learn significant ideologies in this modern age if we take a look at dinosaurs. You may not immediately see the striking comparisons, but rest assured they exist as real as the fossils hidden under the ground by God to test our faith.

Look first at the Brontosaurus, most statuesque and kingly of the dinosaurs. It’s pronounced manner shows us the first tenant of how we should act. As it stands tall and proud, so must we be proud of ourselves and have good posture. Without this we’d be lost as a collective humanity. Imagine all your daily tasks, and then imagine them without this first tenant. Depression quickly sets in as you lack the proudness to carry on your tasks. Everything slowly deteriorates because you no longer find the industrious spirit of the Brontosaurus in your heart. As well, reaching up to tall shelves is off limits, as you no longer have your stately spine structure but rather a horrific hunched humble-jumble of bones. Your posture is reduced to a mere shadow of the fearsome perfection of the Brontosaurus, and thusly your life becomes as skewed as your frightening appearance. It’s because of these things that we must always keep in mind the first tenant, Brontosaurus, proud and posture. This is representative of well-roundedness, and the most important tenant.

Next we look at the Triceratops for it’s endearing qualities. Perhaps not the smartest of all animals, but it is persistant and a poly-tasker. Perhaps persistant is self-explanitory, but explanation to ensure clarity is necessary to understand the second tenant. If the Triceratops charges at a tree to shake down its delicious coconuts, do you think it tries once? The tree most likely stands up to its onslaught, but it shows persistance and tries over and over. It’s bloody head is but a distraction to its beautiful end, and it’s worth it once its gorging on delicious coconut juice. If you want your coconut juice, metaphorically or literally, you need persistance. Now some of you might not know about poly-tasking, but it is to multi-tasking as multi-tasking is to normal tasking. That is to say it is transcendent multi-tasking, and a vital skill to success. Anyone can do a skill, and anyone can do a skill well. Most people can do multiple skills at once, and usually they do well. It takes true a truly dinosaur individual to do every skill at once and achieve godliness in each one. As we all know, godliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is lonliness, and the lone dinosaur has no distractions and thus exacts his task with the utmost of precision. It’s simple logic that shows up that poly-tasking is what we should all strive for as an ideal. It’s because of these things that we must always keep in mind the second tenant, Triceratops, persistant and poly-tasker. This is representative of high-intelligence, and the most important tenant.

Ah, but then what awaits us as the third tenant? Of course this would be the the mighty Velociraptor, both powerful and painful. Power is very important in this modern world especially, but none of our power has even gotten close to the power of this dinosaur. The Velociraptor could eat a whole human in less than three (3) seconds if it so required. Think about that, and then tell me it’s not powerful, I dare you. If you stab a Velociraptor, it’s blood will sting your flesh, so you can’t even hurt it without enacting an Eye for an Eye [Ed: see Dinosaurian Tenant Ideology Extended Edition for more information on Eye for an Eye]. This is especially important in modern times because we live in a constant power struggle, and only having the most power can truly free us from our man-made bondage, contrary to many ideologies. But even more important than power is pain. It’s important that whatever we do, we cause others immense pain. Much like the Velociraptor causes immense pain when it rends your skin and devours your fingers, you must cause immense pain when you write reports and deal with customer service. This lets everyone know who is the boss in a primal fashion, and they will revere you like a false idol because it shows that they are weak and you are without mortal boundaries. This goes hand in hand with the power tenant. It’s because of these things that we must always keep in mind the third tenant, Velociraptor, powerful and painful. This is representative of primal-dominance, and the most important tenant.

These are the Dominant Dinosaur Tenants that you must always remember to lead a healthy and successful and good life. You can find more information on Minor Dinosaur Tenants in The Book of a Thousand Thunderous Lizards. I suggest picking up this as soon as possible from Amazon before the price goes up due to popular demand.

Uh huh.